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Grief

5/30/2018

2 Comments

 
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I'm tired of grieving.  These past three years have had so much continuous grief.  I lived through it, learned from it, at times been blessed by it and have been thrown on my ass with it.  I could continue on with grief- its still atmospheric, always will be a bit.  I'm strong enough to do it, but I don't need anyone to see that.  I know it in my bones so why linger.  I am just flat out tired of talking about it- sharing, commiserating, one upping, proving, martyring, glorifying and being surprised by grief.  

I noticed recently that southernerners are a bit morbid in this vein.  I caught myself saying to Matt when we were home in Tennessee, "Oh Robert Urich.  He was a great actor.  Died of cancer."  Southerners, you can hear me say it, right?  You know the exact cadence. But why does that stay in my mind that way?  Why do I share that detail?  It made my head tilt in interest, but also made me smile.  I come by it honestly I guess.  

Now the summer is starting.  Every green thing in Los Angeles will turn brown eventually, but not me.  This is another natural progression I don't have to follow whole heartedly, habitually.  Instead this summer is for scooping my life up with a big fisherman's net and seeing what is substantial enough to stay and what I will watch and let slip through the knots.  I am so ready to let go of so much and the first wave goodbye is to grief.  I am tired of mourning so many could haves, or worse should have beens.  Goodbye sticky, ruddy grief.  I'm done with you.  
2 Comments
Max
5/30/2018 03:08:59 pm

This is beautiful. You’re double special.

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Rachel
5/30/2018 07:00:50 pm

I'm trying to think of grief as Good Memories Revisiting (this is different from Damned F#*%ing Anger (which is a MerFer)). Grieving a loss, instead of exalting in what we got to experience. I'm working hard to change my language around grief and worth and life, and I appreciate the reminder that I'm never alone in it. Love you and your thoughts.

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    Author

    hi. i'm lesley, a southern girl living in los angeles with her good hearted husband and sweet pup. i'm on a journey to find God in every place big and small and to learn how to love like Jesus asked us to. life can be sour and sticky, but when those moments are truly walked thru they teach you about preserving the goodness, the sweet moments. it all works together if all is felt and given. so this is a come as you are kinda place, a place I am using as I grow from the sting and the sweetness of waiting.  take your hat off and stay a while.

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