Yesterday I organized my yarn cupboard. I found several tiny rolled up balls of scraps from previous projects, some as old as five years. They inspired me to make a scrap baby blanket, not for anyone in particular just for fun though I am sure it will find a home eventually. I sat down yesterday and began to crochet while binging Life Sentence on Netflix (I recommend). The blanket was more than a quarter finished and my eyes were happy with the contrast of colors and textures. Stopped working to do laundry, walk Ruby, make dinner and eat, fold laundry, and then bed. This morning I Facetimed Mom. She is in Birmingham helping my cousins go through my Aunt Nana’s belongings. I showed her my scrappy blanket and told her that there was one section right at the beginning that was a bit stiff. I rationalized that maybe the stiff part would be good for swaddling. (Right…a baby would love to be wrapped in cardboard). Mom suggested a bigger needle to soften and loosen the blanket up. When we hung up I undid all my work. Matt asked me if it bothered me to have put all that time (six and a half episodes of Life Sentence at an average of 41/42 minutes per episode) into something only to undo the fruit of my labor and have to start over. I said, “No, because the new thing will be better. It’s like when I get a big NO in life I know its because God has something better for me.” Even if it is hard to swallow I know in my gut that that is as true as it gets. I laughed and said, “That’s a good blog post!” You see I am still waiting for some big dreams of mine to come true, but I am still working. Completing things and then undoing them not just to make them better, but to make them right for me. And it’s not just dreams of career. It’s about my heart and who I am in the world, what I have to offer and what I have to learn. And I am willing to wait and do and undo until what is for me becomes realized.
So if you are struggling with anything that feels like a dead end or wasted time or regret, know that you are not alone and that, uncomfortable as it may be, you are right where you are supposed to be. My mother can go and pack up her late sister's belongings, and as she remembers, feel tremendous sadness. But it is also in the service of helping her two beautiful nieces move forward to something new, something glorious. Don’t be afraid to pull the strings apart and start over, to trust that this place you feel stuck in isn’t the best there is for you. There is more. There is a softer and looser, not always faster and easier (cardboard baby blanket), way to intertwine all that has come before in order to get you to what happens next. I have to be willing let go of how I thought it would look, stop rationalizing (“cutting it to fit” as my Grandmother used to say) reasons why it could be passable, and try again to refine by starting at the beginning.
I fully expect that even when one arrives to that new place it will be imperfect. Strings may come loose through the years and it might even get a bit chilly from time to time, but all the scrappy pieces of what you know and have learned will braid together and you will be in the right place with a blanket.
So if you are struggling with anything that feels like a dead end or wasted time or regret, know that you are not alone and that, uncomfortable as it may be, you are right where you are supposed to be. My mother can go and pack up her late sister's belongings, and as she remembers, feel tremendous sadness. But it is also in the service of helping her two beautiful nieces move forward to something new, something glorious. Don’t be afraid to pull the strings apart and start over, to trust that this place you feel stuck in isn’t the best there is for you. There is more. There is a softer and looser, not always faster and easier (cardboard baby blanket), way to intertwine all that has come before in order to get you to what happens next. I have to be willing let go of how I thought it would look, stop rationalizing (“cutting it to fit” as my Grandmother used to say) reasons why it could be passable, and try again to refine by starting at the beginning.
I fully expect that even when one arrives to that new place it will be imperfect. Strings may come loose through the years and it might even get a bit chilly from time to time, but all the scrappy pieces of what you know and have learned will braid together and you will be in the right place with a blanket.
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